Hey everybody, Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith has been remade! I know! I am as surprised as you likely are.
The remake is called The Apprentice, starring Sebastian Stan as young, extremely polite padawan Donald Trump, being trained about the dark side of the business world by his Sith lord master/high-stakes lawyer, Roy Cohn (Jeremy Strong).
Little Donnie starts out a well-meaning, earnest businessman who slowly turns to the dark side. Along the way, he falls in love with Princess Ivana (Maria Bakalova), but this is where the plot differentiates from Sith, in that he sexually assaults her instead of almost strangling her at the end. Thus, this one gets an R rating.
The dark side of business eventually takes a toll on his hair and body (too much stress and pasta!). He is eventually reborn after having his fat liposuctioned off his belly, and he has his scalp shrunk. One of the final scenes involves him, much like the original Darth Vader in Sith, getting retooled on an operating table, including yucky scalp staples. However, he does not wake up and make a request for Ivana, punctuated with an unholy “Noooooooooo!!!”
The action takes place in the earlier part of Trump’s life so we never see his run-ins with other major villains, like Jabba the Hutt Epstein and General Grievous Putin.
In all seriousness, this is a fairly compelling take on Trump’s progression from daddy’s boy to blowhard sleazeball. Stan is good as the Donald, but Strong steals the movie as Cohn.
Expect Academy Award buzz for Strong, unless Trump wins the election, in which case he will likely find a way to have The Apprentice erased from the Earth. He’ll probably use that laser beam they used to blow up the Death Star.
